---

My Breath comes out cold as I wonder in this frosty winter night. My feet leaving prints on the fine, crunchy ice. After trudging for some time I stopped and looked back. All I could see is the snowy white ice and on it, looking like dark halo, imprints of my feet. Not at all elegant…the way they used to be, the gait has lost its grace. They are uncertain, heavy and stumbling steps. For some time, I sit there wishing for these prints to vanish, staring at them as if only staring would make the ice melt and fill those spaces known to be print of my feet.
When the fingers of my feet protested for the intense cold, l sigh, making a frosted white cloud in front of my face. “This cold and ice is so strange,” I thought. “You walk on it and your feet and body will remain warm, alive. Stop at it and it eats you up. Just like sadness…walk over it and you will remain warm, alive but stop at it… you suffocate and die.”
Darkness around me and the earth shining bright under my feet, I again walk ahead. The snake-line imprint of my feet following me everywhere I go. On the path, all the trees are bare with naked limbs intermingled, giving somewhat an eerie look. The path leads to a lake, all frozen. Taking small steps I reach it. Feeling an unknown dread I take a peep in it. The clear icy surface shows a face with dangerously dull eyes, colorless lips and mattered hair.
‘Who is she? ’ I wander.
The fear inside me holding me back, stopping me from acknowledging the answer I already knew.
‘It is you…’ the wind whispers in my ears. Stooping again…I look into those eyes; I extend my hand, the ‘person’ extents her hand too.
I touched it, so icy cold…shivers pass me.
‘This is me…’ was it a question or a remark??
A tear fell on the icy surface, I withdraw my hand and without looking back stand up, vacating that place which showed me my identity, my reality.
I now walk with a heavy heart, wishing this darkness swallows me up…makes me a part of it. This way I won’t have to bear those dull, vacant eyes and those colorless lips. Parted as if asking questions, those questions whose answers the mind knew but the heart doesn’t want to acknowledge.
I am running away from inevitable. I am afraid to voice aloud my fears. I want to pretend that everything is fine, the same. The sun shines…the moon spreads its glow and the stars twinkle in the vast velvety black sky….but then why is it so cold…??
The tail of footprints still following me, I creep through the silent cold night…hugging my own self, for in all this obscurity and draftiness…my body is the only asylum which tells…there’s Hope.
And I moved on…

O God...forgive me when i whine..

Today here I stand,
With clasped hands,
In front of the Mighty,
With down cast eyes, with piety.
Recalling my sins
And negligence of my duties
For engrossed I became
In these worldly beauties.
But after these days, so tiring,
I seek sanctuary in His kingdom.
Forget, I did, His message, His word.
Going knee deep in this freedom.
Today I am with bowed head,
My heart was replaced by lead.
I incurred His displeasure.
Being proud and holding high my head.
But again in front of Him I am,
To break through the refuge so sham
With every tear and every sob
I long for His blessing
For the forgiveness I hope.
He is Generous, He is Merciful,
He is Beneficial, He is Merciful.
He is the first, He is the Last.
“To Thee we pray,
And from Thee we seek help”
I am a mere human, a sinner
I look up at Him, the Forgiver.
Surely the fall my pride hath,
So please God:
“Guide us to the right path”
Never, I intend, to be astray
Holding His hand, showered in His blessings spray
Bowing down, to Him I thank
For this life and the happiness I bank,
Forgive me Allah…for my blindness
Am a swali in the court of Thy Highness
Forgive me…for only you know my tears,
And all my fears,
Blind I was…to seek help elsewhere
Now I feel light, as I stand here
Feeling a bond with You,
To be a better person, now I care.

Eternal Bliss

Silence is all what I hear,
Its echoes is what now I have to bear,
I feel the ache, the burn of unshed tear,
At the sky I look, the unbinding vastness I fear,
Beyond it I see, God smile at me, so dear
Mesmerized by it, on the ground I fall.
With the broken sobs, pain shaking me whole,
“Why this suffering God, why this all?
After reaching the destiny, why do I fall?”
He smiles thus, against the night’s coal,
“Why thou fear m’child, nothing hidden from m’eyes,
Know, I do, thy throbbing, all the hurting lies”
I sit there…still, afraid to move,
Smiling...God extends His hand,
Soothing voices bloom, gone is the land.
Around me wings flutter, swirls the sand,
I sigh in those arms, feeling no pain.
Content…for the eternal life alas I gain.
Leaving behind the burning rain…
And this world…all so vain.

Dreams...

The moon ascended the stairs towards the vastness of the skies. Reaching there with all its glory. Looking down upon the earth in a soothing way. Enveloping the place with the silvery glow. How lovely are the portals of the night,When stars come out to watch the daylight die. The whole environment is hushed…as if speaking would break the pure fragile glass of silence. Peace prevails everywhere and the sanctity dominates the troubled minds. Sometimes the vulnerability of the night was broken by a soft hooting of an owl or a distant cry of some stray dog.
All this spreads the aura of a desire, a desire to retreat to a fantasized refuge. Where none other can reach but you.
It’s a valley where darkness prevails yet hopes flourish. Where souls depart yet happiness linger. That valley where things happen but are out of one’s reach…only to be felt.
Where there are no boundaries, no customs, no limitations and no restrictions. In that place you fly when you wish to, you swim deep when you desire to and you climb high when u intend to.
In that valley it is spring when you are happy. Flowers bloom everywhere, butterflies flutter and the shinning sun warms your spirit.
But its winter and autumn…cold and frozen in that valley when you are sad. Leaves flutter down from the trees, leaving their support…to be blown by the harsh winds towards destination unknown and to be cracked under alien feet.
The mist covering you…turns you cold. Your emotions get frozen. That is when your heart is not open.
It all happens in that valley. Its all about happiness, sorrow, springs, autumns, winters and emotions…..it is all about dreams...

Random

I dunno when I wud get to know the chemistry of other ppl. Ppl who are around me….whom I know. Some of them like my company…feels pleasure in my presence and makes me feel like sumone whereas sum just hate me…dislike me, loathe me…can’t even stand me. It’s a deep mystery. I dunno why when all the time am the same with everybody…the same self…..without any pretending then why sum hate me n sum love me??I dunno why sum ppl have dirty mind n cheap thought. Why don’t they think before pointing at sumbody not knowing that the rest of the fingers point at their own self. Why don’t they stand in other ppl’s shoes to feel the things with their point of view….see the things from their eyes.Why this world has become a mere cage of deceit…only treachery dominates here…why feelings don’t have any place here anymore..??Everybody thinks that whtever he’s doing is perfectly rite….why don’t they think before taunting and saying trash abt other ppl…I must add here saying things abt those ppl who they don’t even know...then why the hell do they spit crap!!!!Oh God! I never wish to think bad abt these ppl. I just want to forgive them…I know it’s the best act in ur eyes, God, but I am only a human being.No matter how hard I hold my tongue….grip my mind…sometime I just can’t tolerate anything. God, you are above all…above everything, you are the Al-might….the Al-merciful but wht am i??...A simple sinful human being…
So God it’s just too hard to control my anger and frustration when ppl do bad with me or with anybody else…Its not being bad and harsh just once but again n again and after all God am just a human…I can’t forgive them always….no matter how hard I try. I wish the person who does bad…thinks trash abt others without knowing them…just breaks his legs….fractures his arm…..falls down frm a tree….or at least the same thing happens to him…that sumone else also says trash abt him…thinks bad. Just to give him the taste of his own medicine.I just dunno why ppl do bad to others, why don’t they care about others feelings.Why don they reckon that today they are hurting someone but tomorrow they can also get hurt by someone they love, cherish n adore. You know wht…I do pray that sumthing like this happens to them. That someone they treasure…betrays them. Only then they wud feel it…only then they wud stand in other ppls shoes.I do wish…just to make them taste their own medicine….

Estranged soul..

Non of it comes to me..
why from truth do ppl flee?
non of it makes sense to me..
why get jealous frm other's glee?
non of it i understand..why curse the inevitable fate's hand?
non of these would i ever..
acknowledge neither perceive, never
Estranged soul i have become..
little love left for one to cherish.
hatred now dominates the passion,
little truth, little love, little trust
that was miraculously left...
now begins to crumble down with the crust.
non of it washes down to me...
give it some thought...won't ye??
estranged soul else u would be..!

I Exist...

the only light
is the candle flickering,
the love-stricken "parwanas"
leaping to it, then burning.
sacrificing all their life..
i feel like one of them..
so much burning alike.
in the cycle of re-births,
i born to die again..
to lessen this intense pain.
i dwell in this vast clan,
not any identity i have..
for you i want to live,
i burn again for another life...
all this i can not resist,
i want you to know..
i breathe...i live...i die..I Exist..!

Silent night

i drifted deep into the silent night,
trying to hold onto my life...with all my might,
Frozen are the eyes, for the warmths taken away,
from the heaviness of my heart...i stagger...i sway...
being stabbed i feel..with all the harshness i behold,
frosted are m'tears, emotions are m'cold,
pushed me, u did, ruthlessly in the pain.
left me so alone, in this pourin rain.
I question the Lord..ask for the mercy...is this all i get, is this all i gain?
for the love i held, for the truth i bled,
everything turns grey...the flowres just decay.
is this the fulfillment of all the time, i did, pray?
writhrin in sorrow, every second i die.
the moans i buried, in m'shattered self.
in all this hatred, finally i melt.
u never tried to feel the love, the pureness u never felt.
in this abyss, i now helplessly fall.
with the heart so broken, swollen are my feet.
i restore my path...the never ending journey i greet..
in the search of the answer, from the Lord above....
Is this pain the reward....of the fact i still love..???

Betrayals

The ominous dark sky
Is circled by the ravens so high
Their shrill cries echoing loud
The moon takes refuge
Behind a grey cloud
The whole earth is engulfed
In pitch black darkness
The world seems dwelling place for evil
The flowers, the stars, the creasing breeze
Through which one feels pious ‘n at ease
Are in irreducible gloom...obscurity blooms
But this is not bizarre at all
For which one should cry out ‘n call
History has merely repeated itself
It has always happened
These two legged creature
With hard, rugged features
Have always betrayed
Fires of hatred and disloyalty they have sprayed
Love ‘n trust are long ago forgotten….are left behind
Everyone is a betrayal….everyone is blind…

Reality never known

I’m no beauty
Neither I’m any angel
Though I wanted to be
But deeds to behold
I was always cold
I’ve hurt others by just being me
From reality, from truth I would flee
But unmasked, now I try…to find “me”
The real me, without any fakeness
My entity is a sham refuge
My soul is beheld by a cage of dishonesty
I’m all lies and treachery
My heart, it bleeds
Like heavens that weep
Unknowingly, unconsciously
I’ve shunned the reality
Lost in fame, in publicity
With the common person buried deep
The reality’s, the past’s also dead
Engulfed in my glories
I’ve forgotten the skinned knees
…the broken lorries.

The War

The calmness of the night
Was shattered by the deafening sound
Followed by the screams
And shrieks of agony and pain
The darkness of the night
Suddenly blazed red and bright
The heat even made the moon melt
The moans...the cries were heart-felt
These wars has wrecked us all
The once swinging swings
The merry playing children
Have become still
Their lost laughter echoes
The broken swings, the charred walls
Portrays the dismay…the helplessness
Every silence is broken
By the bullets…every now and then
When would it end, just when??
We long for peace
The once dominating love
Help, from the God above…
To want to see
the life come out from these ruins
Not these tanks, mocking at us
Not these riffles…these guns
Killing the innocent, hurting the harmless
When would this bloodshed stop?
We’ve got no more stamina to cope
A peaceful life is what we all hope
To see the darkness
Being blazed….with the gold that laces the horizon.

Loneliness

The wind blew softly
Over the moor
And a shiver passed me
As it grew cold
Here I stood
Lonely and frightened
Thinking…whether the day;
Would ever lightened
To me, the world seemed
A cage of deceit;
Filled with nothing
Except sorrow and grief
Engulfed in the flames of
Hatred and envy
This ruthless place
Is no longer worthy
Though a strange thought
Suddenly occurred to me
A desire to run, to shout or weep
But, all would be vain
As no one is there
To listen, to come
Or even to care
That is when I realized…
This world is completely
Brimmed with lies….

A lonely butterfly...

A lonely butterfly
Hugging every flower nearby
Mending the wings so hurt
Alone, crying out the heart
Deep in great agony
Killed by her own grief
Hurled by wicked words
Amidst all this cruelty
Without warning, a healing surprise
Aroused in a lovely form
Jabbed away the grieves, tears, agonies
A warm blanket, a protecting saint…

A mere shadow….

…….then a cloud hid the moon
In its slow, stealthy way
I sit there in Obscurity
Amidst nowhere
Seeing the dieing stars
In the echoing silent midnight
Listening an eccentric symphony
I mourn over my natal solitude
Never had I thought life without you
Alone with my satirical self
I now live, yet dead
Nobody can resuscitate me
I’m a body, without its essence
Enigmatic, yet explored
All this turbulent, ruined life
Evokes a desire….a wish…
To howl, to cry, to whimper
Anything to get you back
Every alcove of my heart
Hails for you, Yearns for you
Calls out to you in raucous voice
But all is worthless, in vain
Derailed once more
I plead for death……end
Dismal, broken and battered I am
That death also refuses to see
And I live in this darkness
Drained by my own tears of anguish
Dieing every second, living every second
Hanging in limbo
Living, yet dead
A mere shadow….

The coming day...

As I saw the suns go down
Coloring the sky with blue-black ink
Spreading gleaming jewels here ‘n there
I knelt down and prayed
O God! The new day to come
The new crisp sun to rise
Be it the message of a new life
With a new vigor, a new style
With blowing winds
To blow my fears away
To give me a hand
Which stables me when I sway
To fill these muddy, useless ground
With blooming flowers, comforting warmth
As I saw the sun go down
Coloring the sky with blue-black ink
Spreading gleaming jewels here ‘n there
I knelt down and prayed

The path forgotten…..alone I trudge..

The setting sun, with its brilliant colors
Casts dieing shadows
On the path, once taken
With hand in hand, hopes high
The footsteps left are now the reminder
Of the hazel eyes, the voice so kinder
But nature had come into her own again
Little by little, in her stealthy, insidious way
Encroached upon the path stubborn vein
The woods, always a menace even in the past
Had triumphed in the end, won at last
The beeches with white naked limbs
Leant close to one another
Their branches intermingled in a strange embrace
Making a vault above my head
Like an archway of a church
Resulting in the darkness like a lead
The path is a ribbon now
A thread of its former self
With gravel surface gone
Chocked with grass and moss
On and on, now east now west
Wound the poor thread
Sometimes, I thought it lost
But it appeared again
Beneath a fallen tree
I had not thought the way so long
Surely the miles had multiplied
With me trudging so alone…..

I’m Nobody

The high licking flames
Encompassing me, melting me
Molding me into nobody
The cold water beneath me
Drowning me, freezing me
Suffocating me to death
Torn, rejected and forlorn
In the midst of nowhere
I stand alone
The burning flesh
Diffuses an odorless scent
The churning bones
Gives vociferous cries
Refused, isolated and bare
Life, now I live in utter despair
Poignancy has totally spread
And my life...
My life, it’s in total regret
I’m sinking in the cold water
The scorching flames engulfing me
My world is in entire darkness
My life is in total loneliness
I will perish forever
And will return never
My absence, will be felt by none
Un-noticed, un-cared, I’ll fade away
Remembered by nobody
Cuz, I, myself, is a “Nobody”

Love

Deep in his eyes
I saw something stir
A fire ablaze
And all was in haze
As he held my hand
And said “I cannot help this”
But love u as my life
The entire world went blank
There were just us
The birds hummed merrily
The butterflies fluttered
I floated in the air
Skipped on the clouds
Feeling special from what I hear
A smile crept on my face
“At least someone has cared”
I didn’t want to let go
But in a moment or so
His fingers brushed mine
And I was sure, it is the time
When this fantasy will come to a halt
And I will be back in reality
The reality that breaks my heart
Darkens my soul
Leaves me to nobody
A mere person in the crowd
…again a faceless face…

[Titleless]

From a dark gloomy place
Rose some heart-breaking sobs
Hiding himself from the rest
There sits a forlorn self
Torn, isolated and bare
He cries over his fate
And develops the hate…
Just because of the bitter life
He hurts himself
Tortures himself
Living a lonely life
In the world of his own
Seeds of love, in his heart, yet not sown
He longs for the care
Not given by any
Yearns his heart for the love never known
He conceals himself
From the maddening crowd
Not knowing that always
Somewhere…someone…cares

Wonder Why…??? (Part II)

She:
I wish- I meet him once more
Missing him from my hearts core
Like a flower missing its scent
And say: Every alcove of my heart
Longs for you, waits for you
I’ll say……..
Say the words I longed to hear
I wish- I meet him once more
--------------------
He:
I wish- I meet her once more
Missing her from my hearts core
Like waves missing the shore
Never will I let her go
Feelings of my heart, she’ll know
I’ll say the words
I longed for
I wish- I meet her once more
--------------------
She:
Just illusions I’m seeing
My prayers, how come
Fulfilled so soon
Surely, the one am imagining
Is too good to be true
[Shrugging the shoulders
Smiling a bit
She just trudges on]
--------------------
He:
Can’t believe! My wish…
My heartiest desire, satisfied so soon
“Don’t let her go
Feelings of your heart do let her know” [conscious]
[With thumping heart
Uncertain steps….
In a dream so wonderful
Towards her….he moved…]
But what’s this……???
She looked at me
Shrugged her shoulders
And on she moved…..
“Don’t let her go
Feelings of your heart do let her know” [conscious]
With determination……
I followed her scent
--------------------
She:
I can feel him
His presence, his warmth
[Stopping dead, turning around
She held her breath]
--------------------
Their eyes met
Their hearts thumped
Around them, the birds hummed
They needed no words
To convey their feelings
Their eyes spoke for them
Conveying the warmth, the care
Above all, the love so hidden
--------------------
With the setting sun
And soft blowing wind
On the sand so soft
With hand in hand
Together they trudge
Leaving the footprints
Perfumed with love
Swallowed by the silent night….

Wonder Why….??

She:
I passed him
Then waited
Waited for him to say
Say the words I longed for
But there he was
Busy with others, unconscious
For a moment
Our eyes met, lingered
I felt his lips move
As if wanted to say
My heart missed a beat
…….surely he will say
But then the gaze dropped
The fantasy stopped
He went his way
And I trudged on my path
---------------------
He:
I felt her come
Her scent filling the air
For a moment
I lost myself in her
Felt like a drop in a river
Everything felt at a stop, dead
I felt a bond with her, a thread
For a moment
Our eyes met, lingered
My hopes soared high
…….Surely she will say
But her eyes were waiting
Waiting for something I knew not
With an unheard sigh
She went her way
And I trudged on my path
---------------------
She:
Then he said
Uttered the words I longed for
My heart thumped
Breaking the cage of ribs with joy
The immense joy made me flutter
But then my dream shattered
Shattered in thousand pieces
And those pieces hurt my eyes
I wish-he would say
Some day, Some time
---------------------
He:
I can’t find words
To express my feelings
The beat of my heart
Uttering her name, only her
The dreams of my eyes
Starts and ends on her, only her
I wish- these blowing winds
Waft my feelings to her
I wish-she would say
Some day, some time
---------------------
And then the world saw
Their love dieing in their hearts
As they moved apart
To their destinies
In their own lives
With only the words
…….. “I wish”
Both dreaded to say
Speak the words they longed for
Waited for other, “You”
To say- I care, I cherish…… “I love you”
---------------------
Wonder why this happens
Why love can’t form words
Can’t be expressed, can’t be felt
Why it dies in “I wish…”
Why both have to suffer
Having feelings in heart
But faces a mere blank page
Waiting for other to express

Sorrows of Heart

There are some words
That can’t be said
There are some pains
That can be felt
There are some eyes
That can be read
There are some sorrows
That has no end
But see the sky
When it’s burdened by sorrows
And feels so hollow
When it’s down and grey
It pours hard and pray
Then out comes the sun
And sweet songs of new hope are sung
Look at the ocean
It has great pains at the depth
But it doesn’t plea
Faced are the gloms with great glee
The sorrows of heart
Can’t be said but are felt
The sorrows of heart
Can be read but have no end…

I lived out again

My eyes are closing, my strength is weakening
My hands are shaking, my lips are trembling
I see death dangling in front of my eyes
The cup of brimful venom shakes
Spilling the clear matter
The drop leaves a burning trail on my hand
But I am determined not to shatter
I see life itself screaming for life
I see my love, smiling at me
Mesmerizing me, urging me
A lonely tear drops into the deadly innocent poison
There’s sizzling and yet again, life screaming
Pay no heed, my love is urging
My legs are trembling but I’m trudging
The cup comes closer to me as I lift my hands
I see my eyes in the venom
Red, yet I see life behind a tear
The pain is so sheer
In a wink, there’s a scream
Not from life but from death
The death itself has died with the broken cup
My love, your path is which I cannot follow
It’s gloomy, sad and hollow
So. My love, forgive me
There’s life ahead of me
Without pain….
I lived out again.

Lost in the ashes of time…


I’m not aware of me
Buried I am...Deep down the ground
Separated from rest
Licking my own wounds
Creasing my hurt soul
I’m no more...a self...a whole...
The knives of the harsh life
At last slashed me into parts
Punished I am...for an undid crime
The veil of darkness covers my shrine....
Buried I am.... without any hymn...
But I’ve already lost myself…
In the ashes of time....